May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have An additional location where by American Guys can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer you everyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he must end employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the project, replied, "You already know, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from House, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting Trump Tower Damascus the making's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "exactly where's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting consideration from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have convert-down provider."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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